More Leaked Pentagon Documents Delay Important TRUMP News

BRIAN: Two sets of classified US foreign intelligence documents are circulating dangerously ‘on the social media’, sparking a diplomatic crisis between America and its allies, including Australia and the Hi Five Alliance… Ahh, sorry, I mean, The Five Eyes alliance.

21 year old national guard airman Jack Teixeira allegedly photographed and shared the documents from his parent’s home in Massachusetts, using a Minecraft gaming forum on the chat platform Discord – which were then widely distributed on other forums like 4chan and Telegram. The documents contained secret Pentagon intelligence data, including sensitive information about the war in Ukraine and the almost limitless capability of US surveillance. 

You know, it’s all a tad boring if you ask me? I mean, we’ve seen this play out before with whistleblowers like Edward Snowden and Julian Assange – and it never ends well for them, does it? I say throw the book at this kid quickly, so we can get back to real news entertainment – like covering Trump’s salacious affair with adult film star Stormy Danels from 18 years ago, and his recent indictment over alleged payments he made to try and keep this blockbuster story quiet!

VO: Brian , you still have to do the Leaked Petagon Documents story – It’s important!

BRIAN: Oh, ok – but – let’s get someone on like, I don’t know, Bella Calzetti to get this over and done with – Have we got her on yet?

VO: Yup

BRIAN: Fantastic, There you go, Bella Calzetti has joined us for a very brief run-down of the leaked pentagon documents story, Bella, glad to have you here with us 

BELLA CALZETTI: Wait…Where am I?

BRIAN: So, this 21 year old used his position in the national guard to access these classified documents from his mom’s basement, hey? 

BELLA: What? Who am I talking about?

BRIAN: Jack Teixeira – Do you think he should be thrown in jail?

BELLA: I have no idea? I’m just putting the groceries away… But I tell you something, if my son was naughty like that, he’d get his backside smacked and no computer for 1 hour.

BRIAN: Well he was naughty Bella and you’re gonna tell us what he did – and quickly please, ‘The Hand’s’ just emailed you…

BELLA: Oh yes – here it is. You want me to read it Brian?

BRIAN: Just the dot points Bella so we can move on to the Trump and stormy Daniels stuff.. 

BELLA: Oh! The Porn Star? That sounds very steamy! Ok, I’ll hurry up! Number 1: The US was spying on everyone – that’s not new – It says, including its own intelligence allies like the Five Eyes – that includes us Brian – they were spying on us.., and also Israel, South Korea, the U.A.E, Egypt, China, Russia… 

BRIAN: Umm, you did say you’d be quick, Bella?

BELLA: Oh yes, sorry. Number 2. The US monitored President Zelensky’s calls with his defence and military officials, and found out all the weaknesses in Ukraine’s air defence systems, the size of their military battalions, Ukrainian casualty rates… 

BRIAN: Well you get special privileges when you send over 75 billion dollars somewhere, don’t you?

BELLA: I suppose… but, Number 3 says the US knew that Ukraine would run out of rockets and missiles for their air defence by May! My goodness? That’s only a few weeks! And Number 4 says secret NATO operatives from America, Britain, France and Latvia are in Ukraine fighting on the ground! I never heard about that!

BRIAN: Go on, Bella…

BELLA: But that’s important! And, Number 5 says the ‘the west’ knew this but kept funding the war and lying about Ukraine winning – and Number 6 shows all the backroom deals  that leaders around the world were doing to supply weapons and ammo – to both sides! And Israel’s ‘Mossad’ intelligence agency tried to overthrow their own government! I can’t believe the documents this kid found!

BRIAN: Bella! – I really want to talk about Trump and the porn star! We always talk about Ukraine and Russia? 

BELLA: You go ahead Brian – I want to finish reading what the news isn’t telling us about… 

BRIAN: Ok! Thanks Bella! The Manhattan District Attorney announced the indictment of former president Donald Trump on 34 counts of falsifying and concealing business records before his 2016 election win. Ohh no! It is alleged that Trump used a company called American Media Inc. to pay $150,000 to former porn star Stormy Daniels, and then 130,000 to her lawyers, to keep them from disclosing Trump and Stormy’s steamy love affair – just four months after Trump’s wife Melania had their first child! Ohh la la! Trump was also alleged to have paid a former Trump Tower doorman $30,000 to stay quiet about a child he had out of wedlock! Too hot to handle! WAIT. There’s more! Trump tried to cover it all up by signing 9 checks for ‘legal services’ to his special council, who was later charged and found guilty of illegal campaign payments! Wait! Don’t go to a break now! There’s more Trump news! Trump? TRUMP!