Australia Day Protests Fire Up Debate that Never Happens

BRIAN SOCKINGTON: We begin another new year in the land down under, where tensions grow throughout each summer, with the annual Australia Day controversy and outrage surrounding our national holiday. What was once a celebration of Australian culture, whatever that means, now a yearly outpouring of shame, confusion, grandstanding and anger, this year fuelled by the recent failure of the indigenous voice to parliament referendum, and the cultural shift that has accompanied the long-awaited left-wing sweep of national and state governments.

Protesters took to the streets in their thousands, using skills the skills they’d acquired at pro-Palestinian protests throughout previous weeks. So should we cling to the date like a koala on a eucalyptus tree? Or should the date be discarded like a bucket of prawns in the sun? Christinea Solitch has more…

CHRISTINEA SOLEITCH: Like footy, fairy-bread and faking a sickie, fighting over what Australia Day means is one of our great Aussie traditions. Gone are the days in the sun rocking out in your undies, drinking from a goon bag while Cheryl does your hair and the boys watch cricket over beer bongs. Nowadays, January 26 is more often referred to as Invasion Day, the shameful celebration of the arrival of Captain Arthur Philip and the First Fleet in 1788, marking the beginning of the British colony which shaped almost every aspect of the society we currently live in.

“In hindsight, indigenous Australians must’ve felt like everyone was throwing a party on the day they were evicted – mostly because they were”

Arguments against celebrating on the date have been reprised year after year since at least 1938, when Aboriginal Australians held a day of mourning instead of celebrating like everyone who was INNformation with the British did. In hindsight, indigenous Australians must’ve felt like everyone was throwing a party on the day they were evicted – mostly because they were. And of course there was some bad blood about the Poms, who were pretty shifty in declaring the land Terra Nullius or ‘no one’s land’ before claiming it all as their own, rather than establishing treaties with indigenous people as they’d done in other nations they colonised, including Canada, New Zealand and America. 

Corporate Australia entered the debate of course, grocery juggernaut Woolworths joined Kmart, Aldi and Target by removed all their items referring to Australia Day, while continuing to sell cheap Chinese trinkets about almost every other holiday on the planet. Cricket Australia held a test match in Brisbane over the holiday, but announced they wouldn’t refer to the day by name, kind of like the treatment that no-nosed bloke from Harry Potter got, which later extended to that regular nosed woman that wrote the book about him. 

The only people celebrating were the organisers of Invasion Day rallies around the country – this one outside Victoria’s parliament house congratulated the hooded vandals who filmed themselves using industrial cutting tools to chop off the legs of this 115 year old Captain Cook statue in St Kilda,

Larry Fillmore took a few calls on the subject earlier today, to engage with everyday Australians about their thoughts on the important issue.

LARRY: Line one, we’re talking Australia Day or Invasion Day and you’re on with Larry Filmore…

CALLER: OMG! Darling! I’m on the phone with Larry Filmore! (Who’s Larry Filmore?) You remember, the old guy who hosted INN Tonight! (Oh yeah? What does he want?) No, I’m on talkback with him about Australia Day (Oh yeah?)

LARRY: Haha, umm, good to hear from you there caller, so, what do you think about the Australia Day controversy?

CALLER: Larry Filmore! I can’t believe it! Whatever happened to variety TV Larry, I loved when you used to do those skits dressed as the Indian man! You remember when you did that thing dressed as the Indian man?

LARRY: Hehe, yeah, those were different days no… err, we might even have another go at INN Tonight if ‘The Hand’ starts getting some donations, but anyway about Australia Day?

CALLER: Yeah, we love Australia Day! Ron and I always have a BBQ together. (Too right we do!)

LARRY: Now we’re talking! Get a few friends and neighbours together for a big celebration, do you?

CALLER: Oh no! We can’t STAND our neighbours! And our friends don’t wanna come ‘cause if their car’s out of the driveway on Australia Day, their neighbours might start hating them too (Ask him if he knows how to shut next-door’s dogs up!)

LARRY: Umm, alright, ahh… 

SOLEITCH: Traditionalists continue to defend January 26th like it’s the last Tim Tam in their packet, arguing the date’s been celebrated for too long now to change it. Migrants continue to become citizens on the day and we continue to use it to bestow our nation’s highest honours on special Australians, like Registered Health Practitioner Brett Sutton (Former Victorian Chief Health Officer – Instated the longest Covid lockdown on Earth – Produced the worst health and financial results in Australia), artist Bill Henson (Famous photographer who’s 2008 exhibition featuring nude pictures of a 13 year old girl was shut down by police), and morning TV host David Koch… for some reason. 

Celebrations ARE quietly being cancelled by councils – I suppose that’s why they’re called that. But no one’s seriously considering an alternative date – or what we’d even celebrate on it? Everyone’s surfing the wave of change, but no one wants to get wet! And while Australia’s never had a revolution or even become a republic yet, there’s still much to celebrate… Like winning the America’s Cup in 1983? Or Bradbury claiming our Winter Olympic Gold medal? And of course there’s Cathy Freeman? And, well, SOMETHING needs to happen soon – or we’ll be debating this longer than horizontal vs diagonal sandwich cutting, or whether pineapple belongs on pizza – except with the added weight of the human rights and feelings of the people who were here at least 40 thousand years before us. Christinea Soleitch, INN News.

BRIAN: Interesting stuff, thanks Christinea. 

SANDY: And if anyone does witness a fellow citizen celebrating on our only national holiday, they are advised to immediately call them a coloniser and then call crime stoppers, who will take the appropriate steps to ensure our ongoing national security.