INN SportsWrap – MARCH 2023

BRIAN: Joe Sockic is ready to take us behind the scenes of the growing sport of Slap Fighting that’s become so popular with people craving even more stupidity than their devices can provide! How does it all work Joe?

JOE:  Oh, it’s a fascinating spectacle Sandy and so simple to learn! You get two weirdos to stand across from each other, a couple of judges to make sure theirs no funny business, and a team of doctors and medical experts to ensure everyone stays alive for 3 rounds of full-frontal, face-slapping carnage at a level of schoolyard idiocy that’s almost professional! You can’t strike the temple, forehead, nose, ear, or throat unfortunately, and the judges decide the winner unless someone is disqualified or knocked unconscious.

BRIAN: So, the game is to slap your opponent so hard that they can’t slap you back?

JOE: Yup! Its brilliance is in its simplicity, isn’t it? And competitors aren’t allowed to move either so the injuries can be brutal which is great for all those good ol’ fashioned fans of ‘the biff’ who’ve been denied the hard stuff for years by egg-heads worried about ‘concussions’ and ‘traumatic brain injuries’ – most Slap Fighters probably start with a brain injury so there’s no worry about that. Take health influencer Kortney Olson for example, who was recently knocked out cold at a Power Slap League event founded by UFC boss Dana White – despite her boring husband showing her concussion brain scans to try and stop her from doing it. Here’s a shot of ‘Baby Ray’ slapping out ‘the Bayou Bastard’ at a Slap Fight Championship event promoted by boxer Logan Paul and former Californian Governer Arnold Schwarzenegger. And here’s the Fresh Prince of Bel Air beating the crap out of Chris ‘The Rock’ Rock in front of a huge crowd! 

BRIAN: And they actually get paid to do this then? 

JOE: Oh yeah, they can make up to 10 grand per fight Sands, so they’re training hard. Russia’s Vasily Kamotsky trains by slapping out watermelons. ‘Solid Slug’ in the US slaps bricks, barehanded! No wonder this sport has over 600 million views on social media! Gotta love the modern world eh? Anyway, forward we march to Sportswrap, for March!

• World Athletics has banned transexuals (Transgender Joe!) who’ve gone through male puberty from competing in female events. Governing body president Lord Coe has faced enormous backlash for being guided by, quote “the science around physical performance and male advantage”. Scumbag!
• In Basketball, and the Sacramento Kings made the NBA playoffs for the first time since 2006, ending a history making 17-year playoff drought. Of course, they went nowhere again.  
• And the Formula 1 circus starts again in Bahrain for the opening race of the year – Max Verstappin defeated his Red bull teammate Sergio Perez and Aston Martin’s Fernado Alonzo to win the first 25 points of 2023.

JOE: That’s it for sport for now Brian & Sandy. Over to my number one girl, the beautiful Jane Bunion…