January – CHRISTINEA SOLEITCH:
The new year certainly started with a bang. Thousands of them actually, as a festival in Abu Dhabi breaks 4 Guinness World Records during a 60 minute firework show that also featured 5,000 drones. The Taylor Swift mania hit Australia and half a million teenage drones turned out to her eras tour, before her dad went bang and punched out a reporter. Mary from Tassie became Australia’s first Queen consort in Denmark, but when Tasmania’s Parliament raised the Danish flag in place of the Aboriginal one, it stoked another Australia Day temper tantrum. Statues of old white people like Captain Cook and Queen Victoria were vandalised across the nation as protestors marched on the streets they used to celebrate on. But it wasn’t just Australians starting the year with sand in their cracks, German anti-right-wing extremism protests got extreme, Kim Jong Un ruled out peace with the south, blowing up this Arch of Reunification in Pyongyang, and the US and UK continued to launch airstrikes in Yemen and Somalia… Yeah, that’s still going on… NASA announced the retirement of Mars Helicopter Ingenuity. Why don’t we talk more about the helicopter on Mars? Oh – probably ‘cause we’re all talking about Disney and Mickey Mouse entering the public domain for the first time , immediately exploited by b-grade filmmakers and over 500 porn stars registering the trading name ‘Steamboat Willie’.
SPORT with JOE: Sport in the Aussie summer and Jannik Sinner comes back from 2 sets down to beat Daniil Medvedev and win the Australian open, his first ever Grand Slam final!
WEATHER with JANE: But while we were having fun in the sun, 60 people sadly lost their lives in the US, as an arctic blast of climate change caused dangerous road conditions and power outages.
February – RUPERT HOLESWORTHY:
Elon Musk’s Neuralink successfully implanted a brain–computer interface in a real person for the first time! The patient is recovering well, with initial results failing to show any increases in far-right extremism. The 66th Grammy Awards celebrated the best musicians on our planet, and they were Miley Cyrus [Record of the Year], Taylor Swift [Album of the Year], Billie Eilish [Song of the year], and this other person… King Charles III and Princess of Wales are both diagnosed with cancer within a month – former 2 time president of Chile Sebastian Pinera was forced to jump to his death from a failing helicopter – and Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny, a vocal critic of President Vladimir Putin, who survived assassination by poisoning in 2020 and was then sentenced to 19-year in a Siberian prison, died… suddenly… A few weeks later, voters re-elect Putin for a fifth term in office with 87% of the vote. External observers say he had “no real opposition” – and it’s no wonder why…
SPORT with JOE: The Kansas City Chiefs go back to back in the Super Bowl, the first repeat champions in almost 20 years. Of course, The US can’t have anything nice, an another mass shooting followed to win, killing one fan and injuring 22…
WEATHER with JANE: And thank God Taylor Swift made it to the game on time from Tokyo, but I do worry that her private jet might be adding to our climate crisis. She made 11 trips in February alone, emitting 393 metric tons of CO2 – that’s nearly 30x what an average person emits in a year!
March – JAMES PLUSHFOOT:
SUPER TUESDAY and U.S. President Joe Biden and Donald Trump win the majorities of their respective primaries, while former U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley has a win for Republicans in Vermont, and then withdraws the next day, leaving Trump and Biden to duke it out once again in November, right? 750 national guard troops are sent to New York City subways to counter crime and violent assaults, the Governor of Oregon declares a 90-day state of emergency in response to record fentanyl overdoses, and the Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore collapses, killing six workers. But old mate Biden delivered a spirited State of the Union get things back on track… by shouting anti-republican rhetoric for just over an hour… Oppenheimer wins Oscars for Best Picture, Director and Actor. While Barbie was snubbed. Sweden officially joins NATO, becoming its 32nd member. Exactly the kind of encroachment Putin’s been railing against for a quarter of a century… Unsurprisingly, Russia immediately declare they will now be referring to their war against Ukraine as “a war”. And despite being elected last year, Dutch Party for Freedom leader Geert Wilders is forced to abandon attempts to form a coalition government due to lack of support from other parties.. Ahh, democracy ‘ey?
SPORT with JOE: Rugby league kicks off in Las Vegas for some reason, and the AFL starts its season announcing their long awaited expansion team in Tasmania! Aussie Matilda Sam Kerr copped some heat, arrested for racially abusing a police officer in London.
WEATHER with JANE: Speaking of heat, March 2024 was the warmest March, with average global temperatures at 1.35°C above pre industrial average.
April – SOLEITCH:
Six women and one man are fatally stabbed and 12 more injured by a frenzied attacker at a Bondi shopping centre in Sydney, who was shot and killed by police inspector Amy Scott who bravely confronted the attacker. Days later, a live-streamed Islamic terrorist attack in a Sydney church injured 4 including Bishop Mar Mari Emmanuel who was stabbed in the eye, prompting Australia’s e-safety commissioner and former Twitter employee Julie Inman Grant to order US social media companies including X and Meta to remove all footage of the stabbing – worldwide – trying to redefine social media for the whole world… and had to embarrassingly withdraw their case a few months later. Former liberal staffer Bruce Lehrmann thought it’d be a good idea to go back to court and grab some defamation money off Network 10, after they aired rape allegations made by colleague Brittany Higgins, that allegedly happening after a work party in a senators office in Parliament House, and were discontinued by Higgin’s legal team after an initial mistrial. But Justice Michael Lee was NOT in a sympathetic mood, ruling against Lehrmann and then adding that, on the balance of probabilities, Lehrmann did rape Higgins, suggesting that “having escaped the lion’s den, Mr Lehrmann made the mistake of coming back for his hat.” And a rare total solar eclipse appeared across North America, not to be seen again for 20 years. NASA announces that it has received decipherable data from the Voyager 1 space probe for the first time in five months.
SPORT with JOE: Scottie Scheffler wins his 2nd Masters Golf Tournament in Augusta, Georgia, but gets a little carried away a few weeks later, arrested by police on the way to the PGA Championships for criminal mischief, reckless and erratic driving, and assaulting an officer!
WEATHER with JANE: And the weather was a bit erratic too, April was recorded as Australia’s coolest in over a decade – but Earth’s warmest overall! It’s hard being a meteorologist sometimes!
May – HOLESWORTHY:
The Russia-Ukraine war continues… Russian President Putin’s interest in negotiating a ceasefire and resolution, dismissed by Ukrainian president Zelensky, who was still campaign hard for military funding, and receiving it! To Israel and Hamas, and Türkiye suspends all trade with Israel in response to their conduct in the war in Gaza. Hamas shows interest in a ceasefire negotiated by Egypt and Qatar, which is rejected by Israel, despite the United Nations overwhelmingly approving a resolution to grant Palestine new rights, privileges and potential UN membership, much to the dismay of nine members, including Argentina, Hungary, the United States, and Israel, of course. You know, it feel like these wars are being sustained for financial purposes? AstraZeneca quietly withdraws its COVID-19 vaccines worldwide. And Eurovision! Switzerland win this year’s contest with “The Code” by Nemo. But the action is off the stage, as Dutch favourite Joost Klein is disqualified over verbal threats, and controversy surrounds Israel’s entry [VID]. Boy Scouts of America rebrand as Scouting America in an effort to make girls feel more welcome. No word on whether Girl scouts of America will be changing the name for the boys though?
SPORT with JOE: Manchester City win their 4th consecutive Premier League, the first team in the 136-year history of the league to do it… And speaking of boring, Real Madrid wins their bloody 15th Champions League. In T20 cricket, the Kolkata Knight Riders win the $6.4 billion Indian Premier League, where each match is now valued at $13.4 million dollars
WEATHER with JANE: AND they survived global warming as temperatures in New Delhi soared to a record high of 52.9 degrees. Pending an accuracy check of course as every other reading was around 45…
June – PLUSHFOOT:
Democrats rejoice as Donald Trump is found guilty on 34 felony counts relating to falsified business records, becoming the first U.S. president to be convicted of a crime. He then has a huge win in a televised debate against Joe Biden. Of course, we thought Trump’s biggest crime was not pardoning Julian Assange when he had the chance, the former WikiLeaks founder finally released to Australian soil as a free man for the first time in 15 years. Former president of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announces he will run again following the helicopter crash that killed sitting president Ebrahim Raisi. Western media were quick to report no foul play in the crash, so, that’s that then… Meanwhile in Pakistan, former prime minister and legendary cricketer Imran Khan is sentenced to ten years in prison for leaking state secrets, he was then acquitted, then he and his wife were charged with unlawful marriage, and then acquitted again, but Khan remain in jail for allegedly receiving and then selling about $500,000.00US of gifts he received during his premiership.
WEATHER with JANE: 1,300 people died at this year’s Hajj pilgrimage from heat-related climate change… And two climate protesters try to do something about it… by spray painting Stonehenge orange, and then a jet they thought might’ve belonged to Taylor Swift… Unfortunately the paint came off with a handheld blower and the jet belonged to some other person…
SPORT with JOE: The Boston Celtics defeat the Dallas Mavericks in five games to win their 18th NBA championship, passing the LA Lakers as the most successful NBA franchise. And the Florida Panthers defeat the Edmonton Oilers in seven games, winning their first ever Stanley Cup…
BRIAN: Wow! What a year Sandy…
SANDY: …We’re only halfway though Brian!
BRIAN: Halfway?
SANDY: Yeah? You know our retrospectives are comprehensive – and handmade – not like all that AI junk out there…
BRIAN: You mean like Spotify Wrapped? It said I was a Pink Pilates Princess this year!
SANDY: That AI’s working well, isn’t it… Anyway, I need to go to the toilet…
BRIAN: Socks go to the toilet? How does that even work?
SANDY: I’m not sure…
BRIAN: Hey Sandy…
SANDY: Yes? Make it quick…
BRIAN: If you’re Australian going into a toilet,
SANDY: *Groan*
BRIAN: and Australian coming out… what are you while you’re in the toilet?
SANDY: I don’t know Brian, I really need to go!
BRIAN Euro-peeing’!
SANDY: *Argh* I’m out of here… I’ll be back by October…
BRIAN: You’re peeing! Get it?
SANDY: Roll the second half the Drudge… And don’t wait for me…
July – SOLEITCH:
Who could forget France spending 1.5 billion dollars in Paris on the worst opening ceremony in Olympic history? Even worse than 1988 in Seoul when they burned these doves alive! The progressive political drag queen show featuring guys with their testicles out near kids, parodying the last supper of Christ, was held outside in torrential rain, a 3 hour disjointed mess that was hailed as a huge success by all the media outlets you don’t trust anymore.
SPORT with JOE: And there was some sport too! Remember Saya Sakakibara winning BMX gold for her brother? And what about 14-year-old skateboarder Arisa Trew, the youngest Aussie to ever win Olympic gold. Our girls smashed it in the pool smashed it, this Algerian female boxer with a Y chromosome smashed everyone to a bloody pulp to win gold, and what about the breakdancing eh? Our very own Raygun, with a PhD in breakdancing, received 0 points from judges who have no idea about Aussie culture…
SOLEITCH: A new bird flu started appearing in cows and people, human to human transmission… Huh? A tech crisis caused massive service outages affecting Crowdstrike, Microsoft, AT&T and American and Delta Airlines systems, affecting millions. Over in the UK, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak announced plans to reintroduce military conscription in the UK, before getting absolutely smashed at the election by Keir Starmer’s Labour Party. And the French had their own elections – Marie Le Pen’s right-wing National Rally earning a 33.2% majority of the vote ahead of President Macron’s centrist party who managed only 20%… But wait! France has TWO rounds of voting, and guess what? There was a hung parliament and so Macron continued! Thirty-three people are killed in US mass shootings at Fourth of July celebrations. Days later, a judge dismisses actor Alec Baldwin of all charges after accidentally shooting a cinematographer dead with a loaded gun. And then, if guns weren’t in the news enough, former U.S. President Donald Trump almost has his head blown off in an assassination attempt at a campaign rally in Pennsylvania. The suspect was shot dead, about 90 minutes after he was first reported as a suspicious person. Two audience members were injured and one killed in the shooting. A bleeding Trump gets up and yells fight fight fight, creating one of the most iconic images of modern times. US President Joe Biden gets COVID-19… AGAIN! The third time in two years. He withdrew from the race a few days later and was replaced by his vice president Kamala Harris.
SPORT with JOE: In other sport, Spain broke English to win their fourth Euro title, Carlos Alcaraz beat Novak to win his second Wimbledon title, but the wily old dog got his own back at the Olympics, beating Alcaraz and becoming the third male to achieve a Career Golden Grand Slam!
WEATHER with JANE: And July 21 became the Earth’s hottest day in recorded history, estimated to be the hottest day in the past 100,000 years, with a global average surface air temperature of 17.09 °C.
August – HOLESWORTHY:
Rioting breaks out in the UK after 3 children were killed and 8 injured in a mass stabbing at a Taylor Swift–themed yoga and dance workshop. Brand new labour PM Keir Starmer calms the nation… by accusing the “far-right” and “misinformation” of being responsible for the violence, nationalising the use of facial recognition technology and surveillance, much to the dismay of a small amount of human rights advocates who still understand their job. Malaysia urges its citizens to not fly the UK – because of the riots, not their disappearing airliners which marked their 10 year anniversaries. It was ‘Brat Summer’ for Gen Z, who love making up culture moments. Volodymyr Zelenskyy bans the Russian branch of the Orthodox Church in Ukraine, to much condemnation, including from Pope Francis. The World Health Organization announces that Mpox is back! And Virtue laws were reintroduced by the Taliban in Afghanistan, three years after their defeat of US occupation, and now women are banned from singing, reading, and even speaking aloud or being seen in public, under new laws approved by their Supreme Leader.
SPORT with JOE: The French got a second chance to do an Olympics that didn’t offend half the world with the 17th paralympic games, but they took a few shortcuts, I mean, they reused the bloody Olympic mascot and just slapped a black boot on it to look like a blade runner!
WEATHER with JANE: A deadly Atlantic hurricane season leads to 401 deaths – Hurricane Helene in the US kills 160 people, the second-deadliest hurricane after Hurricane Katrina. Helene, Beryl and Milton also wreak havoc, with climate change likely to have caused 10% more rain… and probably more wind and stuff…
September – PLUSHFOOT:
Sean ‘P Diddy’ ‘Puff Daddy’ Combs may have thrown the best parties in Hollywood according to Oprah, Ellen and Jay-Z, but he was was arrested on federal charges for racketeering and sex trafficking, many celebrities in Hollywood likely to receive the same amount of justice as they did in the Jeffery Epstein case. Brazil blocks Elon Musk’s X. Justice de Morales setting a daily fine of around $10,000 for any person or companies who used a VPN to access the site. And how did they work that out, do you think? Across to Venezuela, and new president Nicolás Maduro was so happy to win their election, he announced that the country would celebrate Christmas early on the 1st of October! The European Union, US and UK were among other countries to sign the first international treaty on the use of artificial intelligence systems – China was not among them. Wells Fargo projects that AI power demand will increase by over a 1000% by 2030. Donald Trump trailed some new material during his set at the 2nd presidential debate with Kamala, but not everyone was amused, a second gunman tried to take trump out at his own Golf Course. Thousands of handheld pagers exploded simultaneously in two separate events across Lebanon and Syria, in an Israeli attack nicknamed Operation Grim Beeper.
SPORT with JOE: To Australia’s religion now, the AFL, and the Brisbane Lions roll the Sydney Swans to win their fourth premiership. In the Rugby League, the Penrith Panthers beat the Melbourne Storm to win their fourth premiership… IN A ROW! Geez, boys, it’s starting to get boring!
WEATHER with JANE: And if you thought the footy was hot – a weather station in Iran recorded the hottest ever temperature, ON EARTH! The unverified heat index temperature of 82.2 °C has climatologists are still investigating whether the readings were accurate.
October – SOLEITCH:
Jimmy Carter, celebrates his 100th birthday, becoming the first centenarian former U.S. president. Does that mean he’s older than Joe Biden? Hamas, Hezbollah, and the Houthis launch rockets and missiles towards Tel Aviv, Israel, on the anniversary of the Hamas-led attack on Israel that started the conflict – well, at least that how one side sees it – the conflict likely started around 2000 years ago. A third man is arrested on suspicion of planning another Trump assassination. SpaceX launches a NASA spacecraft to study Jupiter’s moon Europa. It also catches one of its boosters in mid air for the first time! Lidia Thorpe heckled King Charles at Parliament House, yelling, “You are not my king,” and accusing the Crown of genocide.
SPORT with JOE: October’s all about baseball in the states, LA beating the New York Yankees in 5 games, while the Chicago White Sox record the worst season in history, with a 121 losses. Geez!
WEATHER with JANE: And floodwaters kill 231 people in one of the deadliest natural disasters ever to hit Spain… Similar rain events have hit the region in the past, but once again, the media’s saying this one’s on climate change too.
November – HOLESWORTHY:
Republican candidates 45th U.S. president Donald Trump and U.S. Senator JD Vance are elected as the 47th U.S. President and 50th U.S. Vice President respectively. Trump became the first person since Grover Cleveland in 1892 to serve non-consecutive presidential terms, as well as the oldest presidential candidate and first convicted felon to be elected president. His Republican Party win a majority in the U.S. Senate and House, as well as the popular vote, and every battleground state. Linda McMahon was nominated by Trump for Education Secretary, perhaps due to her experience in professional wrestling. We are getting close to Idiocracy, Aren’t we? 5 people are charged over the death of One Direction singer Liam Payne, who fell to his death from a hotel balcony in Argentina. while 2 Australian girls are among others to die after consuming poisoned alcohol in Vang Vieng, Laos. The Australian House of Representatives passes a bill to restrict social media access for people under the age of 16 years, but had to dump their misinformation bill.
SPORT with JOE: In F1, young stars Lando Norris (McLaren) and Australia’s own Oscar Piastri win their first ever races, before Max Verstappen went on to win his fourth consecutive World Drivers’ Championship with Red Bull – McLaren taking out the Constructors’ Championship.
WEATHER with JANE: The Pakistani Health Department reports that at least 1.8 million people in Punjab, Pakistan have become sick with respiratory and eye irritation ailments caused by chronic, record-breaking air pollution contributing to…
JOE: Wait, let me guess? Climate change! Does the climate HAVE to ruin everything Jane?
JANE: Well, I wouldn’t have a job if I didn’t think it would…
JOE: Ahh, I never thought of that… I suppose you’re right
December – PLUSHFOOT:
A U.S. House Committee releases the final report on the COVID-19 in America, casually stating that many things you could lose your job over if you believed them during the pandemic, are now most likely true. The CEO of health insurance company UnitedHealthcare Brian Thompson is assassinated by a masked gunman in broad daylight in New York City – and the US is currently so bonkers, the murderer becomes a cult hero for being ‘hot’. Bitcoin surpassed US$100,000 for the first time, after increasing 130% in the past year. And remember “hawk tuah” girl? [VID]. Well, Hailey Welch launched a career after that, as well as the meme-coin $HAWK, which people actually bought!
The Assad regime finally and surprisingly collapsed during a major offensive by opposition forces. Syrian President Bashar al-Assad flees the country to Moscow, Russia. Unfortunately, six civilians were killed by celebratory gunfire. Old mate Biden decided to pardon his son Hunter, who had plead guilty to federal tax evasion, despite saying he wouldn’t issue a pardon for the best part of 4 years. And we end the year with mysterious drone sightings across the north-eastern United States. Airspace is closed over two nuclear power plants, prompting calls for federal government intervention.
JOE: And there was lots of sport and weather in December too, wasn’t there babe?
JANE: Keep it professional, will you Joe?
JOE: Right? Sorry babe… Argh, Jane! Sorry! Umm anyway, we’ll keep the December sport and weather up our sleeves
JOE/JANE: For our first INN episode of 2025!
JOE: Exactly – as long as The Hand can find some time away from Uni?
JANE: I reckon a few donations might coax him out of hiatus…
JOE: Bloody oath it will. Get over to INNformationNews.com if you liked our retrospective and want to see more of INN in 2025, but for now, on behalf of Christinea Soleitch, Rupert Holesworthy, James Plushfoot…
JANE: And Joe and myself
JOE: Thanks Jane… this has been our 2024 INN retrospective! Oh, and stay tuned for our INN awards coming up! Bye now! Say bye babe…
JANE: Joe!
JOE: Oh! Sorry! Sorry babe… I mean Jane
JANE: Oh, you’re a sweetie… Bye now!
