The Jeffrey Epstein List Goes Public – Everything You Need To Know About the Dead Financier

BRIAN: And we continue on the subject of conspiracy theories, with a report on financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, who was found dead in a jail cell 3 and a half years ago while awaiting trial over his alleged trafficking of young girls dating back almost 20 years. Today, a New York judge has released more than 900 secret documents from the Epsten investigation and trail, containing over 150 names of associates and celebrities, many of whom had flown with Epsten on his private jet known as the Lolita express. The documents were compiled from the settled civil lawsuit of Virginia Giuffre, who alleged she was a victim of sex trafficking and was recruited by Epsten’s former girlfriend and accomplice, Ghislaine Maxwell. Egh! I can’t finish this report Hosie, can you take over?

SANDY: Ew! No way! But I do know someone who could?

BRIAN: Tony KneeToe!

SANDY: Tony KneeToe!

TONY KNEETOE: Tony KneeToe here, CovertOps, INN News with another Investigative Report. What can I say about the notorious Jeffrey Edward Epstein? Well, I’d rather say nothing about the slimebag honestly, but let’s crack on… Epstein was an American financier, a fancy word for ‘an investor without any real clients’ – born into wealth and high society in New York City, he began his professional career as a teacher at the prestigious Dalton School under headmaster Donald Barr – father of republican attorney general William Barr – despite not having a college degree or any experience as an educator – you know, as you do… He was dismissed in 1976, before immediately entering the banking and finance sector, waltzing into 2 time winner of Fortune’s ‘Most Admired companies in America’ Bear Stearns, as you do, before starting his very own firm, where he slithered his way into elite circles, befriending the rich and famous, as you do… 

That’s how he met British socialite Ghislaine Maxwell, daughter of a disgraced billionaire media tycoon. The pair briefly became an item before realising that what they REALLY loved was ruining the lives of the vulnerable around them, and procuring women and children to be abused by Epsten and his elite associates – the piece of crap – until he was reported to police by the parent of a 14-year-old victim in Palm Beach, Florida. Epsten was investigated and charged with sex crimes after 35 other young victims were identified, and after submitting a plea deal, he was convicted on a 13 month sentence – the majority of which could be spent outside of jail, continuing to attend his workplace and see his friends, colleagues, clients and of course, underage girls. 

Unsurprisingly, Epstein was arrested again in 2019, this time on federal charges of sex trafficking. He was held in the now-condemed Metropolitan Correctional Center in New York, and thrown in a cell with this guy [PIC: Muscle man cop] where he was found semi-conscious by guards and placed on suicide watch which quickly became public news. 17 days later, Epstein’s new cellmate was transferred, with no one taking his place, two guards outside the cell ‘fell asleep’ for three hours, two cameras in front of the cell malfunctioned, and on-duty guards falsified records, before Epsten was found dead – quickly ruled a ‘suicide by hanging’ – from this strip of sheet, from this height, in this space. 

Alright, that’s it. I’d get in the weeds about who knocked this bloke off if I wasn’t already getting I’ll talking about him. Nah, I’m out. But before I go, it should be noted that his slimeball friend Ghislaine got 20 years for her part in grooming and trafficking girls for the billionaire, but you have to wonder whether that’s a good ending to the saga, don’t you? Considering how many of the rich and famous around us should be charged as a result of her testimony? Tony KneeToe here, covert ops. INN News. 

BRIAN: You know, that wasn’t so bad? Now, if only we could finish this report with a countdown of the list of famous people who were kicking around with Epsten…

LARRY: Countdown?  Did you say ‘countdown’, Brian?

SANDY: Oh no! Brian you can’t…

BRIAN: Larry?! Well, there’s this list we need to read…

LARRY: Say no more guys! The countdown king’s all over it…

BRIAN: Now we don’t need anything flashy Larry! Just a quick rundown… 

SANDY: Oh, you’ve done it now…

BRIAN: A quick run through the list mate… [Fading out] Don’t get carried away pushing for an INN Tonight come back – you had a good run, but it’s over now… [Fade away] 

INN Tonight Dream Sequence

LARRY: Thankyou, thank you, stop – Oh Stop, I love you too. Welcome back to INN Tonight and you’re just in time for Larry’s Dirty Dozen Countdown! This week we’re looking at some of Jeffrey Epstein’s mates who were hanging around him or on his island and private jet – nothing sus of course! Laugh

PENNY: Just a bunch of friends with similar interests, hanging out and stuff, right? Laugh

LARRY: That’s right Penny! Hey, what do Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas decorations have in common? 

PENNY: I’m not sure Larry?

LARRY: They don’t hang themselves!

PENNY: Oh, stop it Larry!

LARRY: Just a bit of fun! Anyway, onto the countdown!  

• Number 12, we have Noam Chomsky, the world famous linguist, who met with Epsten dozens of times after he was convicted  – like to see him talk his way out of that one! Laugh
• Next at legs 11, we have the SuperModels – Naomi Campbell, former Miss Sweden Eva Andersson-Dubin and her French model agency husband Jean Luc Brunel. I suppose they were invited for the conversation, hey Pen? [Penelope Laughs] Laugh
• Number 10 is American film director and creator of Star Wars George Lucas. I have a bad feeling about this George [Laugh] I heard he got the idea for lightsabers on Epstein Island {Penelope: Oh Larry?!] 
• King of Pop Michael Jackson comes in at Number 9 – no idea why he’d need to go to Epsten’s when he could do the same stuff at his own place? laugh 
• Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking is our Number 8… [Penelope: No way!] Yes way! He was quite notorious in certain departments I’ve heard [Penelope: Next!]
• Ok, ok.. We’ll throw in some Hollywood Actors for ya at number 7 – Leonardo DiCaprio, Chris Tucker, Bruce Willis  – and Kevin Spacey of course [Penelope: Of course!]
• And a few actresses in at number 6 – Cameron Diaz and Cate Blanchett were acquainted, as was Oprah Winfrey? She’s an actress right? (Penelope: More of a big pharma saleswoman, I’d say) l
• Into the Top 5 now, and David Copperfield makes an appearance, although he was probably hoping for a disappearance before this list dropped! Laugh
• Number 4? The long arm of the Law! Alan Dershowitz the prolific lawyer, and John Connelly the former New York police detective who was investigating Epsten!
• And getting the bronze at number 3 – The Politicians! They were all there – Bill & Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, Al Gore, Robert F. Kennedy Jr – even former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak was his mate!
• The second place silverware goes to His Former Royal Highness, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, the second son of Queen Elizabeth II. Yup, he would visit Epstein whenever the younger ladies were around… but he’s not worried about anything, because, well, you know… [VID: I don’t sweat]
• And of course, Golden Ghislaine Maxwell takes home the number one spot on our Dirty Dozen Countdown – Sentenced to 20 years in prison for sex-trafficking, the less said about this POS the better! [Applause]

LARRY: Oh, Thank you! Stop it! [Applause] Stay with us after the break – you don’t wanna miss our exclusive interview with it-girl Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Wheatus play that song they wrote live in the studio.. don’t miss out…

BRIAN: Ahh, Larry? Larry?

LARRY: Thank you Thank y… Ahh… Oh! ah, yeah… Sorry mate, I sort-or drifted off a bit there I think, Umm, what were we talking about?

BRIAN: No, its ok Larry – you were having another INN Tonight moment…

SANDY: Are you ok mate? Can I get you a tea or something?

LARRY: Nah, I’m ok thank… You know, I just think there’s a real market for variety shows these days, you know, we could bring it back…

SANDY: There, there Larry, it’s alright mate… Everyone remembers you were a big star 

BRIAN: A legend in your time Larry… Best countdown in the business too

LARRY: You really think so…

SANDY: Have a cup of tea Larry

BRIAN: That’s a good boy…