Victorians Re-elect Dan Andrews… Again!

BRIAN SOCKINGTON: Well there’s at least ONE person on our overpopulated planet who feels like everything’s going well today. Dan ‘the man’ Andrews has won over the hearts and definitely the  minds of voters in another ‘Dan-slide’ election victory, becoming Premier of Victoria for a third straight term,  despite a 6.2% swing against his Labor party and the lowest voter turnout since compulsory voting was introduced. Opposition leader… umm… where’s the drudge, the drudge what was the opposition leader’s name? Yeah, that guy, no his name., guy, of That – Guy? Yes, that, oh Matt Guy… barely rated a mention throughout the election, unable to break through a Teflon coated, consummate professional like Andrews – his signature sledgehammer style obliterating any doubts about his progressive, socialist and partisan leadership. Christinea Solitch joined the throngs of Victorian comrades celebrating the continuation of the Andrews Regime.

CHRISTINEA SOLEITCH: Old mate Dan has done it again. VID: WIN with a little help from his friends, including paid consultants ($176.9 million), an army of social media followers more than triple the numbers of the Prime Minister of Australia ($750,000 on Facebook ads) and marketing and advertising firms (2nd highest advertising expenditure in AUS), Dan has maintained his stranglehold on power in Victoria, earning the support of an entire 36% of the state. But for Victorians who didn’t #StandWithDan, there’s still time to jump onboard his train of progress, unless you’re at Melbourne Airport where trains continue to exist on paper only. The most progressive politician in Australia has progressed Melbourne to number 5 on the world’s least affordable housing markets list, number one in accumulated debt in Australian, more than NSW, QLD, and TAS combined, and number one in Covid deaths, despite also being number one in the world for pandemic days of lockdown with 262 days. But despite multiple integrity and corruption hearings, a failing health system, the worst public transport and emergency service wait times in the country, union disputes, a teacher and police shortages and the 5 billion dollar blowout of Labor’s West Gate Tunnel project, and a few little authoritarian tendencies, Dan continues to be championed as a hero by his fanbase.

LARRY FILMORE: I used to call him chairman and dictator, but I was banned from Twitter and YouTube, and that was just too devastating for my fans, so now I Stand With Dan, and I make sure everyone I know does too or I just lock them out of my life!

BELLA: The Calzetti’s has ALWAYS vote for Labor, don’t we Wayne?

WAYNE Yeah…

BELLA: We think Dan is a very good boy, isn’t he Wayne?

WAYNE: Yeah, he is…

BELLA: I can’t believe the crazy people who didn’t vote for him? How could you not vote for him?

WAYNE: The longest lockdown on the planet, the ruined businesses and economy?

BELLA: What are you mumbling about Wayne?

WAYNE: The curfews? The ‘vaccinated-economy’? The job terminations? 

BELLA: We needed that Wayne! You know he had to do that! You have to do what he says!

WAYNE: …Locking the refugees in the commission housing, using the cheap security for quarantine hotels that led to 768 deaths, the inquiry commission where he couldn’t remember who made the decision and then deployed armed police force to stop people from protesting? 

BELLA: …Shut up, Wayne.

Mable and Dorothy Canckle have been voting for progressive, socialist leaders for 8 long years, and can’t believe anyone would vote differently, especially after being kept safe – and effective – by Daniel Andrews throughout the Pandemic.

MABLE: Dan doesn’t waste time going out and attending things, you know where people are.

DOROTHY: Oh GOD no! He doesn’t run with the riff-raff!

MABLE: No, he’s too busy in the modern world, Dot, using the social medias to boost his presence and influence.

DOROTHY: What’s a social medias?

MABLE: Well, its what Dan Andrews uses to get messages to the people

DOROTHY: Well why doesn’t he go on the radio and do interviews on the telly?

MABLE: Cause he’s a progressive like we are now Dot! Why would he do an interview with people who might not liek him, when he can tell people what they need to know on social medias?

DOROTHY: Oh, and the remember the press conferences he did every day during Covid

MABLE: Oh he was magnificent wasn’t he, and when someone asked a question he didn’t like, he made them sounds like nutcases?

DOROTHY: I love Dan Andrews…

MABLE: I know Dot, I love Dan Andrews too… I hope he never leaves…

SOLEITCH: So the people have spoken and Dan is ready for another 4 years, promising to do what needs to be done. And Victorians know he’ll use whatever means necessary from his “catalogue of unethical…  inappropriate behaviours and concerning practices” as the Anti-Corruption Commission previously pointed out.

BRIAN: 2023 will also see Andrews surpass 3000 days in office, becoming Victoria’s longest serving Labor premier. So Melbournians can look forward to another statue of a white male politician that his supporters can genuflect in front of in between campaigning for all the others to be torn down.