INN’s End of Year Retrospective to Wrap Up 2023!

SANDY: Well it’s that time of the year already, Brian! 

BRIAN: Is it Pride again?

SANDY: No Christmas Brian! Merry Christmas to you (VO: It’s Happy Holidays Sandy, you bigot!) Umm, yes, ahh Happy Holidays, or whatever it is you identify as celebrating…

BRIAN: Thanks Sandy, and a very Happy Holidays to you too! Did you leave some cookies out for Santa? 

SANDY: Umm, not this year Brian, they’re $12 dollars a packet at the moment… But I am looking forward to another New Year with you and the whole gang here at INN news!  

BRIAN: Ah, same here, so let’s wrap things up for 2023 and join our tireless reporting team of Christinia Soleitch, James Plushfoot and Rupert Holesworthy for our traditional INN Retrospective.

CHRISTINEA SOLEITCH (JANUARY): The year started with formerly admired rich person Elon Musk purchasing Twitter for a lazy $44 billion dollars, not bad if you’ve got the money ah? He promised to return free speech to a platform that had become heavily censored, upsetting many users who preferred when opinions they don’t share weren’t allowed on the platform at all. New Zealand’s ‘single source of truth’ Jacinta Ardern resigned as Prime minister after opinion polls showed that ‘Jacinda-Mania’ was mostly occurring outside her country. Pfizer was ordered to release the documents they’d tried to suppress for 75 years… Which contained interesting [VO: That’s enough – move on…] German Police had their hands full, arresting Greta Thunburg at a climate protest and dealing with a real life wizard. And Novak Djokovic upset Australias by being allowed to re-enter their country and then winning their tennis Open for the 10th time while his dad took photos with horrible Russians!

JAMES PLUSHFOOT (FEBRUARY): Western media went into fear-mongering overdrive as alleged Chinese Spy Balloons were discovered crossing US and Canadian airspace. Reports focused on aliens and unidentified anomalous phenomena as politicians displayed a staggering inability to provide straight, honest answers about the series of events. World Pride met The Sydney Mardi Gras for the first time, creating a rainbow explosion comparable to the rising number of children identifying as Trans in the western world. A different type of explosion affected residents of East Palestine, Ohio when a train derailment became an environmental disaster after officials opted for a controlled burn of the chemical tankers – the easiest and cheapest solution. And no one wanted to be near the 5-cent coin sized radioactive capsule that went missing in Western Australia – a mistake by the world’s 2nd largest mining company Rio Tinto, which cost them a total fine of 1 thousand AUD. Big Bash Cricket barely kept Joe Sockic awake, but he did muster-up the courage to finally ask INN Meteorologist Jane Bunion out on a date for Valentine’s Day!

RUPERT HOLESWORTHY (MARCH): The French went mad over another captain’s call by President Macron, this time raising their retirement age and fueling the fire of protesters who’ve been trying to be heard for the best part of 7 years. Sources of esteemed journalist Seymour Hersh concluded that the Russian owned Nord Stream gas pipeline servicing Europe was sabotaged by the US and its allies including Norway. Joe Biden seemed to give away the plot a year ago… [VID] but the media stayed INNformation and discredited Hersh as a nut-job – as they’ve generally grown accustomed to doing. The Silicon Valley, First Republic and Signature banks all collapsed within a month. $556 billion dollars in assets were wiped out as many bet on woke policies being at the core of the failures. Everything, Everywhere All At Once cleaned up at the 95th Academy Awards which did not feature any assaults on stage this year, however Slap fighting took off as a popular sport for modern times, and IPCC’s 6th Climate Change Report provided a proverbial slap in the face for governments and corporations who aren’t doing enough to support the new worldwide green economy. 

SOLEITCH (APRIL): NATO chose the middle of war between Russia and Ukraine, two nations divided over borders and military allegiances, to extend its military alliance to Finland – a country sharing a 1300 km border with Russia. A huge victory for dancing prime minister Sanna Marin, who was rewarded by being voted out in the Finnish election. A 21 year old airman on a gaming chat site leaked classified pentagon documents that exposed secret military tactics about the war in Ukraine or something… All I remember is that Stormy Daniels Stuff and the first Trump indictment… and then the second and third, and fourth… Self proclaimed women’s rights activist Posie Parker was upstaged by some prancing, dancing Nazis that showed up for the cameras in Melbourne – while Bud Light got rejected by Americans after promoting trans activist Dylan Mulvaley. The only sign of intelligence seemed to be coming from AI, as ChatGPT got busy passing law and business exams and destroying the education system. 

PLUSHFOOT (MAY): The former Prince of Wales was crowned King Charles III to the astonishment of people suffering through a cost of living crisis, although Meghan Markle and Stan Grant kept people talking about other things. Tik Tok received some heat as countries around the world banned their government employees from using the app, which made no difference to its rampant use in schools and ability to influence the behaviour and opinions of young people around the world. NSW police flexed their muscle, tasering a 95-year-old woman with dementia in aged care. The police chief said she would not even look at the video – must be an incredible investigator. INN celebrated its first anniversary – The Hand and the whole team at Lost Sock Studios shared a behind the scenes look into the characters and inspiration behind INNformation News Network. The awarding of a licence for a Tasmanian AFL team shook things up in sport, while another earthquake shook things up in Melbourne, although both events involved more complaining shook things up inwas finally invited into the Australian Football League which has caused nothing but complaining for some reason. And Melbourne shook again as another surprise earthquake created more damage on the internet than anywhere else. 

HOLESWORTHY (JUNE): Yvgeny Prigozhin, a former hotdog salesman and right hand man of Russia’s Vladimir Putin, led his Wagner Military Group to rebel against the orders of his russian leadership, leaving western media outlets and political pundits salivating. Unfortunately, the rebellion lasted just on 4-days before being abandoned and reversed, but that didn’t stop reports on the HUGE embarrassment for Putin and the turning point in the Ukraine war. 2 months later, Prigzhin was dead in a mysterious plane accident while the war in Ukraine continued. A nuclear engineer and deputy assistant secretary of the Biden Administration is charged and sentenced after stealing a designer handbag at Dallas airport and allegedly wearing one of the designer dresses inside at a work function. A Titan Submersible Vehicle is crushed by the ocean as the middle class and internet laugh out loud at the rich elites inside. And a woman has been charging Gen Z workers $480 an hour to help them overcome their fear of phones and microaggressions. Manchester City achieved the historic Treble including their first ever UEFA Champions League win, and Canada got smoked out by record-setting wildfires.

SANDY: You know, I’ve had a ball bringing INN news to our viewers and donating producers this year… 

BRIAN: Yup, I feel the same way, especially now that The Hand has finally launched our website so people can see us? 

SANDY: Yes, our new home at INNformationNews.com is up and running, with a store, subscriptions and donations… We want everyone to drop in and check out all our stories, new and old…

BRIAN: Absolutely! You know tt’s not old news if you haven’t seen it?

SANDY: Or if you’ve forgotten it happened…?

BRIAN: Yes, quite right… And now, the second half of our INN 2023 Retrospective

SOLEITCH (JULY): France lit fires of its own, going absolutely troppo again after the tragic death of a 17 year old boy who was shot by police at a traffic stop. Wild scenes took place in Paris and around the country, which did catch the eye of French president Emmanuel Macron, who blamed TikTok, and then buggered off to go dancing at an Elton John concert. The former British Empire or Commonwealth Games were abruptly cancelled by Victorian premier Dan Andrews who claimed costs had blown out to 7 (or more) billion dollars for the event Birmingham put on for 1.5 billion just one year ago. The INN crew took a trip to the United States to celebrate their most important day of pride – no not that pride! [PIC] the 4th of July, although another spate of shootings damped the mood in a country that has some serious issues to work out. And as the world’s oldest newspaper shut down, Elon Musk unveiled X, a rebrand of Twitter that was exactly the same now, but will one day become your digital ID, newspaper, social media AND bank account all in one! The English went feral during an Ashes Cricket test at Lords after the Australian wicket keeper dared to run out one of their dozy batsmen, and Jane Bunion tried to keep her cool as heatwaves spread around the world.  

PLUSHFOOT (AUGUST): Matilda-mania goes crazy as the Australian women’s soccer team wins over the hearts of a nation during the FIFA Women’s World Cup. Ratings records tumble as almost every person in the country spends 3 weeks talking about their new favourite sport and team… for 3 weeks. The Netherlands takes a stand on the use of technology in the classroom in an attempt to actually teach things in their schools again. A Melbourne woman cooks a Beef Wellington for a luncheon that results in her being charged on 3 counts of murder and 5 counts of attempted murder in a mystery only rivalled by the Prigozhin Plane Crash. India lands on the Dark Side of the Moon, and a special US Congressional hearing was finally held on the presence of UFOs. Joe Sockic got stuck into the Women’s world cup, while Jane Bunion covered the horrible Hawaiian wildfires and attempted to rule out the influence of directed energy weapons

HOLESWORTHY (SEPTEMBER): Victorian premier Dan Andrews finally resigned – INN’s Joe Sockic presented a special look back at the greatest moments of the teflon coated man who brought so much safety and effectiveness to his constituents throughout his political career, whether they wanted it or not. Canadian PM Justin Trudeau has a rough patch, being snubbed by Prime Modi at a G20 meeting, then publicly accusing the Indian Government of murder, before hosting Ukrainian President Zelensky in Canadian parliament while giving a standing ovation to a 98 year old who was a former Nazi. INN discovers conflicts and wars hap[pening outside of Russia and Ukraine. And US police celebrate as they finally get around to making an arrest in the 1996 murder case related to influential rapper Tupac. And Collingwood won the AFL premiership, rewarding its army of fans who’d survived two years of heart-stopping, myocarditis-inducing football that led to their record-equalling 16th premiership. 

SOLEITCH (OCTOBER): Australia’s referendum on instating an Indigenous Voice to Parliament was emphatically voted down across every state and territory in the country – except for Canberra of course. The long, long campaign divided itself down the usual left/right political lines, causing some to wonder why the approx. $450 million dollars spent on the vote wasn’t used to actually help people in need. War broke out between Israel and Palestine after 3000 Hamas militants killed well over a thousand civilians and kidnapped almost 250 others in a terrifying surprise attack. The Israeli government retaliated with force, causing the world to divide down the usual left/right political lines… again. Halloween Tricks and Treats were rife in the US Congress – republicans removed their own house speaker as the US treated itself to another debt-ceiling increase, dividing people down the usual left-right… Well, you get the idea. 

PLUSHFOOT (NOVEMBER): UK PM Rishi Sunak sacks his home secretary Suella Braverman after she made comments on immigration and palestinian protesters that were way too conservative for his conservative party, proving you need to be INNformation with everyone if you’re going to be INNformation. A week-long ceasefire was called between Israel and Hamas, although it is unclear whether the decision was influenced by local city councils across Australia, who held debates, flew flags and petitioned the federal government to intervene in the ideological and religious war. Ukraine, Myanmar and Sudan remain hopeful that australian local councils can help their predicaments.. . An Optus internet outage provides some serious first world problems for 10 million Australians, Cyber attacks shut down freight transport, and Cybertrucks hit roads for the first time. But one thing we could count on was climate change, as we all experienced another hottest earth year on record, inspiring the UN announce another historic agreement to transition the planet away from all fossil fuels… again.

HOLESWORTHY (DECEMBER): Bruce Lehrman took an Australian network tv broadcaster to court for defamation, renewing rape allegations made by fellow liberal staffer Brittney Higgins, after she was discovered unclothed in the office of former Defence Minister Senator Linda Reynolds after a drunken night out. A criminal case conducted earlier in the year was abandoned due to jury misconduct, before charges were dropped by Higgins lawyers prior to a retrial, and a settlement of over $2.4 million dollars was paid to Higgins by the current federal government, before moving to France with her new boyfriend. Tesla has recalled two million US cars due to safety concerns with their AutoPilot systems, but that didn’t bother Cruise and Waymo, deploying fleets of their own driverless taxis in San Francisco, which is causing almost as much chaos as the Opioid Crisis. In related news, Myanmar has surpassed Afghanistan as the world’s largest producer of [Seinfeld], good news for Fentanyl addicts who want to get off the synthesised opiate which is 50 times more potent than good old natural heroin. The Wig in Argentina and The Golden Pompadour in the Netherlands won huge elections, joining what the mainstream media are calling a global lurch to the right, following a series of leaders elected from the right side of the political spectrum  – although American Democrats are doing their bit to save democracy – erasing Donald Trump as an option on election ballots in Colorado and Maine, and kicking of what is sure to be another circus-like US election year.  

Stay tuned for Sport with Joe ‘SnakeDog’ Sockic, and weather with INN meteorologist Jane Bunion. That wraps up the year that was, 2023. From Chrieania Solitch, James Plushfoot, and me, Rupert Holesworthy, Happy Holidays and join us again on INNformation News Network in 2024!