Finance
US Banks Collapse as Punters Look for ‘Woke Triggers’
3 of the 5 largest US bank collapses have occured in the last few weeks, so who better than INN’s Larry Fillmore over at WokeBET to talk us through all the likely repercussions!
BRIAN: Financial investment decisions can often be a gamble, and with 3 of the 5 largest bank collapses in American history occurring in the last few weeks, who better than INN’s Larry Fillmore over at WokeBET to talk us through all the likely repercussions. Larry, some of my people say we’re odds on for a new global financial crisis! How much can I make on that bet?
LARRY: Well sign up for a ‘WokeBet’ account today and find out! Remember your first bet’s on us – unless you win of course – worsened conditions apply, and always gamble – responsibly! Anyway, there’s a heap of money coming in from conservatives today like James Comer, Ron De Santis and Tucker Carlson, all betting big on ‘woke investment’ causing the Silicon Valley bank collapse, which triggered the collapse of the Signature and First Republic banks as well. They’re the third, fourth and second largest bank failures in US history respectively – a total of $556 billion dollars in assets down the gurgler. But WokeBETers can capitalise on the crisis, with 8/1 odds on another major bank to fail within the week, or a very tasty 20/1 on a 2008-style global financial meltdown within a month, in from 50/1 just last week Brian!
BRIAN: Good time to be betting against US banks, 66 ‘billion-dollar-plus’ failures in just the past 15 years Larry? And billionaire venture capitalists like Peter Thiel virtually signalling their collapse to punters by suddenly withdrawing all their funds from them. So what are punters backing as the cause of these failures Larry?
LARRY: Oh Peter will have a lot of friends outside of these banks tonight, exposing Silicon Valley Bank for being short on capital after it started selling its long-term treasury bonds and securities that had lost value are interest rates rose – and when the rich started leaving, you can bet everyone else was moving out too, devastating a bank that had invested heavily in new tech companies and woke, progressive movements… I mean good on ’em and all, but ask any punter and they’ll say they won’t back a bank giving away $5 billion to climate advocacy and over $70 million to elevating gender and diversity groups. They’re not a charity Brian!
BRIAN: Are you sure? I saw a Newsweek article that said banks and corporations have donated over $83 billion to Black Lives Matter and other related groups that label themselves as ‘woke’. Why haven’t those banks and corporate entities collapsed yet?
LARRY: I honestly dunno mate? But if you give away more money than the GDP of 46 nations in Africa, I’d be logging into my WokeBet account and backing more collapses today!
“…66 ‘billion-dollar-plus’ bank failures in the past 15 years…”
BRIAN: Sounds like a lock Larry. I suppose we can bet on governments finding a way to bail out the banks again too, just like in 2008?
LARRY: Well funnily enough, they’re saying taxpayers will avoid the fallout this time – But I’m not sure I trust those cheeky monkeys – and that’s why my money’s on Wayne Calzetti’s special WokeBET ‘Tax-payer Catch-22’ – Take us through it Wayne…
WAYNE: [Whispering ] Well I have a nice little 6-legger that’s looking very juicy…
BELLA: Wayne! What are you doing! I can hear you whispering something!
WAYNE: I’m on the phone… with the accountant [Whispering] Sorry mate – we only need one more leg to come in for this multi to pay out (Cue Music) So far, the US government has
- 1st leg – Announced they’ll save all deposits from the failed banks without a bailout ✅
- 2nd leg – Seized bank assess through regulators, while shareholders got wiped out ✅
- 3rd leg – Sold the banks to bigger banks with government-backed insurance protection ✅
- 4th leg – Created new, unlimited borrowing powers so other banks stop selling their bonds ✅
- 5th leg – Raise interest rates to combat inflation caused by financing overseas wars
WAYNE: So we now we just need to wait for bonds to devalue enough for another billionaire to pull their money out of a bank and cause another collapse!
BELLA: Wayne! You better not be talking to Larry about gambling again! I can see you on the computer!
WAYNE: I need to go mate, she’ll have my balls…
LARRY: Nah go Mate, I understand… Sounds like cash in the bag though – which is a much safer place to put it than a bank right now too…
BRIAN: Great work guys – and with the British Government owned Bank of England facilitating the sale of SVB UK to the historically dodgy HSBC bank, that Multi is already looking a certainty!